Wednesday, November 23, 2011
Tuesday, November 22, 2011
Tuesday, November 15, 2011
Storms silent and storms dancing....a correct description for my life after coming out...though gay angel emerged from me like a neonate the cute angel was young..very young..the baby needs some nutrition...a sweet milk from a mother...i,like a women after conceiving seemed very tired...very,very tired...i like a mother nurtured my gay angel...after the fact that my label as a gay reached my father's ears ,he like a muddy pot died after a clash, remained as a broken daddy...i had the duty to make him to understand about me..understand about me clearly...
It was his initial decision of counseling which made me to meet a church father....i narrated him the whole events and told him about my sexuality...his suggestion was that it can change..homosexuality is just an changing phase of life...but whenever i met him (the counseling was done thrice) again it was the sense of happiness and smile that prevailed in my face..when he asked me the reason and conveying his idea about my smile that it arises from my "changed" heart with an opposite force to his words,i replied him.."I,I am a gay...i am clearly a gay"......
My father was in his height of sadness...he asked me to consult a doctor to change myself...one of our family friend's who came to know about that i am a gay had once asked me "Why are you resisting the change?? why are you not consulting any doctors to get rid of this gayness..?"..i replied him calmly.."Uncle, please understand.I never wish to yield myself as a test animal..none know about homosexuality in clear..and it is not a disease...it was an old notion...so i never wish to give myself as a scapegoat, as a test animal for those people who say that homosexuality is a disease..".....
It took several months for my father to understand me..now he is OK with that..not completely..i feel i have to wait with patience...patience will win one day.....i had explained about me completely to him and what i feel...
Yes..it take a lot of time....the friends who discriminated me felt sorry for their act and again started a close friendship with me..though they feel that they are straight i usually say about my experiences and life as a gay to them....many friends of me came to know that i am a gay, but whatever they may feel about me, they are not discriminating me now...if they didn't like it they still love a feel of friendship with me..maybe a blessing for me....
My dad even accepted that if i get anyone whom i can call "partner", to settle with my partner..though he can't understand my feelings completely my dad accepted myself...my face...my real face..my dear child,the gay angel....
Whatever may be i must say how i had survived in those six months of discrimination...it was rude...but i loved it..it only transformed me to a person writing this stuff...i am a butterfly...i wish to fly....i must say thanks to bacteria...seems mad??..he-he..that was the reality....whenever i reared bacteria in that labs under those chambers i felt myself freed...i saw something good sprouting inside me whenever i see a colony of bacteria germinated in the petri plate..he- he..seems mad..but real....my tears, wet tears all vaporized whenever i reared those cultures...maybe you can call this "shift to other plane"...
I have to say thanks to the social networking sites for at least providing me to express what i feel..though i may not perceive the physical sense of thousands of members of those sites whenever i expressed myself in those communities via posts expressing myself it felt myself loved...my gay angel growing alive....i have came to know that there are and more people other than me in this world who are experiencing like me..feeling like me...one such was one my inspiration Harish Iyer....
I came to know about him..his experiences..his life...pains make a person to adopt a face of resistance..i obtained such an inspiration from him..frankly saying i was much shocked when i read his story...but the way how he struggled with all those oppositions provided me another dimension for seeing my problems....
Another one i must indicate is Audre Lorde..the mother,lesbian,warrior,poet....the greatest american feminist....her thoughts and her words shaped me...seeded light inside of me...
Also i must mention about Valerie Solanas,the American radical feminist....her path of life..her thought..her ideas..her manifesto called SCUM manifesto was such an great inspiration for me to fight in this world with my gay angel...such fierce and strong words, like the storms prior to rain cultivated my mind...to a great extent and shaped me...shaped myself....
And the life of Andrea Dworkin, the American radical feminist was such an great inspiration for me..a inspiration to fight as a warrior...warrior with proud and out....
"I am a butterfly..
I never live inside that temporary cocoon...
I break it...
Break that cover...
A heavy cloth..
I make myself nude...
Nude in the joy of love...
Joy of myself called a queer...
As like Alice in her wonderland
Slays jabberwockey...
I'll break this cocoon...
Before the dawn breaks..
To fly around and breathe some fresh air..."
It was his initial decision of counseling which made me to meet a church father....i narrated him the whole events and told him about my sexuality...his suggestion was that it can change..homosexuality is just an changing phase of life...but whenever i met him (the counseling was done thrice) again it was the sense of happiness and smile that prevailed in my face..when he asked me the reason and conveying his idea about my smile that it arises from my "changed" heart with an opposite force to his words,i replied him.."I,I am a gay...i am clearly a gay"......
My father was in his height of sadness...he asked me to consult a doctor to change myself...one of our family friend's who came to know about that i am a gay had once asked me "Why are you resisting the change?? why are you not consulting any doctors to get rid of this gayness..?"..i replied him calmly.."Uncle, please understand.I never wish to yield myself as a test animal..none know about homosexuality in clear..and it is not a disease...it was an old notion...so i never wish to give myself as a scapegoat, as a test animal for those people who say that homosexuality is a disease..".....
It took several months for my father to understand me..now he is OK with that..not completely..i feel i have to wait with patience...patience will win one day.....i had explained about me completely to him and what i feel...
Yes..it take a lot of time....the friends who discriminated me felt sorry for their act and again started a close friendship with me..though they feel that they are straight i usually say about my experiences and life as a gay to them....many friends of me came to know that i am a gay, but whatever they may feel about me, they are not discriminating me now...if they didn't like it they still love a feel of friendship with me..maybe a blessing for me....
My dad even accepted that if i get anyone whom i can call "partner", to settle with my partner..though he can't understand my feelings completely my dad accepted myself...my face...my real face..my dear child,the gay angel....
Whatever may be i must say how i had survived in those six months of discrimination...it was rude...but i loved it..it only transformed me to a person writing this stuff...i am a butterfly...i wish to fly....i must say thanks to bacteria...seems mad??..he-he..that was the reality....whenever i reared bacteria in that labs under those chambers i felt myself freed...i saw something good sprouting inside me whenever i see a colony of bacteria germinated in the petri plate..he- he..seems mad..but real....my tears, wet tears all vaporized whenever i reared those cultures...maybe you can call this "shift to other plane"...
I have to say thanks to the social networking sites for at least providing me to express what i feel..though i may not perceive the physical sense of thousands of members of those sites whenever i expressed myself in those communities via posts expressing myself it felt myself loved...my gay angel growing alive....i have came to know that there are and more people other than me in this world who are experiencing like me..feeling like me...one such was one my inspiration Harish Iyer....
I came to know about him..his experiences..his life...pains make a person to adopt a face of resistance..i obtained such an inspiration from him..frankly saying i was much shocked when i read his story...but the way how he struggled with all those oppositions provided me another dimension for seeing my problems....
Another one i must indicate is Audre Lorde..the mother,lesbian,warrior,poet....the greatest american feminist....her thoughts and her words shaped me...seeded light inside of me...
Also i must mention about Valerie Solanas,the American radical feminist....her path of life..her thought..her ideas..her manifesto called SCUM manifesto was such an great inspiration for me to fight in this world with my gay angel...such fierce and strong words, like the storms prior to rain cultivated my mind...to a great extent and shaped me...shaped myself....
And the life of Andrea Dworkin, the American radical feminist was such an great inspiration for me..a inspiration to fight as a warrior...warrior with proud and out....
"I am a butterfly..
I never live inside that temporary cocoon...
I break it...
Break that cover...
A heavy cloth..
I make myself nude...
Nude in the joy of love...
Joy of myself called a queer...
As like Alice in her wonderland
Slays jabberwockey...
I'll break this cocoon...
Before the dawn breaks..
To fly around and breathe some fresh air..."
Sunday, November 13, 2011
Coming Out..!!!
"Coming out", a nice figure of speech in every life a LGBTQ individual ,which is like a rigorous path to the dark forest ,chills me every time when i think about the moments and the events looped by that word....may be you call it as a precious and wonderful moment of my life....
I think i should think in a real face rather than a mask...as an individual void of coming out may be you can name me a mask within the mask of language....
Born and raised in a dense catholic basis, elements of Jesus Christ and "his" cross are not new one for me..like sky, always smiling in a night,those were integral components of mine,maybe you call an basement in which the name "john" and its attributes are constructed. I was raised as an catholic and maybe you call me a hardcore catholic when you try to associate a philosophy with that small child called "john"......church is an integral component of my life,which you can better know as like a oyster with its shell.....
Homosexuality is a crime against god in our religion....but i,as a child was unaware of that...unaware of what we call homosexuality..whenever i prayed to Jesus under his rose feat, i never prayed to shred my homosexual feel, but my prayer was on the whole projected against sexuality as i thought it as a way hiding myself from the path of heaven...maybe i labelled it as "Satan"..who should be minimized......
I think those precious moments of my phase of life in which i was not looped inside the naming system of language...there may be a naming called "orinachaerkai" in my mother tongue Tamil to denote the homosexual act..but i was unaware of that..what i had expressed whether it may be my initial love or my sexual feel, those stems directly from the subrosa of my heart..but sexual feeling on the whole censored under Jesus..the path of his beloved fashion.....
Frankly saying my parents were aware of my sexual feelings and even my gay love..a first love that sprouted like green grass after a heavy rain..but those were neglected as "Components of the growth phase"...maybe you call a feel that is peripheral or derivative....or due to my family atmosphere or some conflicts that were ranked above my issue....
But i felt gay...a true gay..i was a kid unaware of what is "i"....you can compare it like walking n water assuming that you are walking in soil.....i never experienced any abuse..i feel it stemmed from my basic bisexual feel, so i attribute Freud here...
There are some terms which i hear about homosexuality....it is abnormal,it is a disease..or maybe you call a sin which is generated as i am against the law of the order of god...i was in such an gang which directs it as a thing against nature...maybe i call such an approach now by the country proverb.."Like an elephant putting soil its own head itself..",,yes...now i say it like that....WHEN I CONTRADICT MY OWN FEEL I FEEL LIKE A SUICIDE...OR DESTRUCTING MYSELF...
I was in that feel of what i call "suicide" till the initial semester of my college...till my twelfth grade Jesus was the protector of that feel...after that though i turned aethist,contradicting my own basement,may you can call it as De root myself i was still in that suicidal gang...a gang which killed myself...a phase of experimenting with myself, i am a test animal for me....or in other words i am sadistic towards my own body and mind, a sadomasochistic pleasure derived from paining myself which i thought that time as "My great efforts to turn normal"....
I was treating myself a test animal by involving in a "romantic love" with a girl...maybe you can call it as a reverse synthesis..in which i synthesized love in a lab condition.."this time you chat..this time you go and see her...try to look her"...an idiots way of looking mirror...hehe..
Nothing was called an improvement..just to prove that i am a "male"....i can also love a girl..it seems funny now for me..he-he....stupid john...
I say from this experience..may be i recommend to persons who have confusions about their sexuality....please friends don't waste your time and energy in making you to transform "normal"....better ,you gonna crucified...
After that phase i felt a feel of love for one of da guy in my college..i loved him deep from my heart..but when i came out him as gay he accepted me..but when i told him my love it was such an burst of bunches of shock for me...i was treated like an untouchable....like the feel of caste...once when i asked him a book of mine he took that book in just a bundle of papers with the extreme care of the fact that there shouldn't be any bodily contact with that book..i was standing like a statue formed after seeing Medusa's eyes.. with a cloud of tear hitting my eye to take birth....an abandoned child....
once ,another friend of mine, who know that i am a gay denied to urinate simultaneously near to me ,and like a person having extreme phobia, his homophobia made him to stay out that door...when i just asked him the reason he replied "I feared you my do anything harm for me"..i understood what is called homophobia by that single experience..how it is cruel and heart breaking for each an every LGBTQ...
It was such an discrimination phase which lasted for six months,around a semester of my college life, a period i could remember as the rule of dark...i was blind..without any ear that can hear what my heart says..what it beats to say...it was in that season of darkness i isolated myself from others and made a own way for me...i had long walks ,alone...avoided mess food and eating outside..so that i cant see him and would be a subject of his cruel smile..still the notion of abnormal hypothesis of homosexuality was clinging in my heart....i was irregular in studies,money and the life as a whole...onside a wounded heart of love and another side a heart of discrimination....
I was in my relatives home since tenth grade since my mom left me to heaven...it was my mom's sister...i believed at least those hearts can hear me.... when my irregularity in the usage of money was exposed myself to them they in the process of an sadomasochistic inquiry which they call "Path to find truth" whose layout is satirical structure without any other actions on human body , i bursted out and told them about myself on the whole..."Why i was irregular??"...they hadn't felt for that and they had some underlying basic suspicion which is a heartbreaking one for me...
Those words..words of thrones from them.."Already in your childhood you were fond of sex..and when you missed it in your college you had used those money to get rid of your bodily hunger"..those words were like lashes on me..like killing me by cooking...but those words already strengthened an angel which rose from my mind.."I accept myself..i am a gay..yes john you are a gay.."..it was a night of the height of my glory...the event in which the angel won....
I insisted them to believe the truth..about the happenings of my life...their subsequent denial finally resulted in a scene of burst of anger where nothing was decent and it was the rude moment i have ever experienced in my life from the ones whom i love....they slapped me..i went to catch their neck...that time those words came out from my moms sister "He is a homosexual..a homosexual robber....first of all we have to check whether he posses a penis or not."...i replied them."Who are you to talk about my sexual orientation..?who are you..?".....after that the intensity of sounds increased which made the neighbors to came there in that midnight..around twelve to one,,in the cold January of 2011....they teared out my clothes..i was only with my underwear and run inside to take an essay which i wrote on mathematical analysis of society and like a baby newborn i was naked and just i tied my hands around that book and seated there..none was there for me...i was alone....i cal it a great night, a great nigh of my gay angel...
In the dawn ,again their torture continued...i was questioned about my sexuality..they have asked me to write on what i feel and they were justifying their acts..in that letter i wrote.."I am not feeling for what you have done for me yesterday..i was thinking about so many LGBT friends who are facing such treatments from people from you..."So cant you change.."..I replied "None knows"...within that word they told me.."HE IS A MENTAL..SPEAKING LIKE MENTAL.."..again i burst out and this time they dropped me to my home..they told my father about me...about myself...and also to a relative of us who was there..those words still lingering in my mind.."he's Gonna work for that people who are just even less than 1% in population..minority people"...i was just smiling..a smile that kills them...i am conquered..i conquered my "suicide" feel..world was new for me then..like light entering a glass room....
Hm..tats all about my coming out..ill post the further happenings in the other posts.bye john....
I think i should think in a real face rather than a mask...as an individual void of coming out may be you can name me a mask within the mask of language....
Born and raised in a dense catholic basis, elements of Jesus Christ and "his" cross are not new one for me..like sky, always smiling in a night,those were integral components of mine,maybe you call an basement in which the name "john" and its attributes are constructed. I was raised as an catholic and maybe you call me a hardcore catholic when you try to associate a philosophy with that small child called "john"......church is an integral component of my life,which you can better know as like a oyster with its shell.....
Homosexuality is a crime against god in our religion....but i,as a child was unaware of that...unaware of what we call homosexuality..whenever i prayed to Jesus under his rose feat, i never prayed to shred my homosexual feel, but my prayer was on the whole projected against sexuality as i thought it as a way hiding myself from the path of heaven...maybe i labelled it as "Satan"..who should be minimized......
I think those precious moments of my phase of life in which i was not looped inside the naming system of language...there may be a naming called "orinachaerkai" in my mother tongue Tamil to denote the homosexual act..but i was unaware of that..what i had expressed whether it may be my initial love or my sexual feel, those stems directly from the subrosa of my heart..but sexual feeling on the whole censored under Jesus..the path of his beloved fashion.....
Frankly saying my parents were aware of my sexual feelings and even my gay love..a first love that sprouted like green grass after a heavy rain..but those were neglected as "Components of the growth phase"...maybe you call a feel that is peripheral or derivative....or due to my family atmosphere or some conflicts that were ranked above my issue....
But i felt gay...a true gay..i was a kid unaware of what is "i"....you can compare it like walking n water assuming that you are walking in soil.....i never experienced any abuse..i feel it stemmed from my basic bisexual feel, so i attribute Freud here...
There are some terms which i hear about homosexuality....it is abnormal,it is a disease..or maybe you call a sin which is generated as i am against the law of the order of god...i was in such an gang which directs it as a thing against nature...maybe i call such an approach now by the country proverb.."Like an elephant putting soil its own head itself..",,yes...now i say it like that....WHEN I CONTRADICT MY OWN FEEL I FEEL LIKE A SUICIDE...OR DESTRUCTING MYSELF...
I was in that feel of what i call "suicide" till the initial semester of my college...till my twelfth grade Jesus was the protector of that feel...after that though i turned aethist,contradicting my own basement,may you can call it as De root myself i was still in that suicidal gang...a gang which killed myself...a phase of experimenting with myself, i am a test animal for me....or in other words i am sadistic towards my own body and mind, a sadomasochistic pleasure derived from paining myself which i thought that time as "My great efforts to turn normal"....
I was treating myself a test animal by involving in a "romantic love" with a girl...maybe you can call it as a reverse synthesis..in which i synthesized love in a lab condition.."this time you chat..this time you go and see her...try to look her"...an idiots way of looking mirror...hehe..
Nothing was called an improvement..just to prove that i am a "male"....i can also love a girl..it seems funny now for me..he-he....stupid john...
I say from this experience..may be i recommend to persons who have confusions about their sexuality....please friends don't waste your time and energy in making you to transform "normal"....better ,you gonna crucified...
After that phase i felt a feel of love for one of da guy in my college..i loved him deep from my heart..but when i came out him as gay he accepted me..but when i told him my love it was such an burst of bunches of shock for me...i was treated like an untouchable....like the feel of caste...once when i asked him a book of mine he took that book in just a bundle of papers with the extreme care of the fact that there shouldn't be any bodily contact with that book..i was standing like a statue formed after seeing Medusa's eyes.. with a cloud of tear hitting my eye to take birth....an abandoned child....
once ,another friend of mine, who know that i am a gay denied to urinate simultaneously near to me ,and like a person having extreme phobia, his homophobia made him to stay out that door...when i just asked him the reason he replied "I feared you my do anything harm for me"..i understood what is called homophobia by that single experience..how it is cruel and heart breaking for each an every LGBTQ...
It was such an discrimination phase which lasted for six months,around a semester of my college life, a period i could remember as the rule of dark...i was blind..without any ear that can hear what my heart says..what it beats to say...it was in that season of darkness i isolated myself from others and made a own way for me...i had long walks ,alone...avoided mess food and eating outside..so that i cant see him and would be a subject of his cruel smile..still the notion of abnormal hypothesis of homosexuality was clinging in my heart....i was irregular in studies,money and the life as a whole...onside a wounded heart of love and another side a heart of discrimination....
I was in my relatives home since tenth grade since my mom left me to heaven...it was my mom's sister...i believed at least those hearts can hear me.... when my irregularity in the usage of money was exposed myself to them they in the process of an sadomasochistic inquiry which they call "Path to find truth" whose layout is satirical structure without any other actions on human body , i bursted out and told them about myself on the whole..."Why i was irregular??"...they hadn't felt for that and they had some underlying basic suspicion which is a heartbreaking one for me...
Those words..words of thrones from them.."Already in your childhood you were fond of sex..and when you missed it in your college you had used those money to get rid of your bodily hunger"..those words were like lashes on me..like killing me by cooking...but those words already strengthened an angel which rose from my mind.."I accept myself..i am a gay..yes john you are a gay.."..it was a night of the height of my glory...the event in which the angel won....
I insisted them to believe the truth..about the happenings of my life...their subsequent denial finally resulted in a scene of burst of anger where nothing was decent and it was the rude moment i have ever experienced in my life from the ones whom i love....they slapped me..i went to catch their neck...that time those words came out from my moms sister "He is a homosexual..a homosexual robber....first of all we have to check whether he posses a penis or not."...i replied them."Who are you to talk about my sexual orientation..?who are you..?".....after that the intensity of sounds increased which made the neighbors to came there in that midnight..around twelve to one,,in the cold January of 2011....they teared out my clothes..i was only with my underwear and run inside to take an essay which i wrote on mathematical analysis of society and like a baby newborn i was naked and just i tied my hands around that book and seated there..none was there for me...i was alone....i cal it a great night, a great nigh of my gay angel...
In the dawn ,again their torture continued...i was questioned about my sexuality..they have asked me to write on what i feel and they were justifying their acts..in that letter i wrote.."I am not feeling for what you have done for me yesterday..i was thinking about so many LGBT friends who are facing such treatments from people from you..."So cant you change.."..I replied "None knows"...within that word they told me.."HE IS A MENTAL..SPEAKING LIKE MENTAL.."..again i burst out and this time they dropped me to my home..they told my father about me...about myself...and also to a relative of us who was there..those words still lingering in my mind.."he's Gonna work for that people who are just even less than 1% in population..minority people"...i was just smiling..a smile that kills them...i am conquered..i conquered my "suicide" feel..world was new for me then..like light entering a glass room....
Hm..tats all about my coming out..ill post the further happenings in the other posts.bye john....
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